Well madpeople, father’s day is upon us and my heart is bleeding for my precious boys. I’m the ultimate over-compensater. I can spin a bad situation into a lighthearted one, I can force my way through deep shit like a mad bull. My head is high and my heart is joyful, mostly. But I’m still just a chick. A mutha. I’m not a man. I’m not a daddy. I can’t replace him. And it’s so unfair.
These kids are the best. They are sweet and gentle and kind and funny and so full of love. They deserve to be sandwiched between a mom and a dad. They deserve to play football and baseball and soccer in the yard with their dad. They deserve to learn from a good man how to treat a woman, how to be a husband, how to be a provider. And they’ll have none of it. Not a lick. And it makes a part of me die inside.
I try not to freak out because I know surely there must exist men who achieved greatness despite not having a father. I know books have been written and statistics charted that say my boys are likely to be deficient in some way, solely due to their lack of a father figure. I desperately want to believe that my love, my passion, will make it untrue.
I once boasted that my love was not regular. Someone once told me that knowing me was like knowing fire. I try to convince myself that I can be everything they need. Deep inside I feel it’s untrue.
I don’t need him. I really don’t. But they do. The brutal agony turns to anger so that I can function. I know what to do with anger. I don’t know what to do with agony. The anger fuels me. The agony destroys me. This is one of the benefits of being a suicide survivor. The anger props you up, nudges you. I’m the best when someone tells me I can’t do something.
I’m sobbing now, but not hysterically because my boys are in the next room. We’re going to my dad’s today, to get what little bit of dadness we can swipe in a short time. The big boys recently discovered an affinity for Lynyrd Skynyrd, so we’re going to dry the tears, open the roof and crank it up loud on the way. There’s no crying in rock n roll.
This was sent straight from Dave today...give it a whirl. A little Freebird is good for the soul.
This was sent straight from Dave today...give it a whirl. A little Freebird is good for the soul.
If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me?
For I must be traveling on, now
'Cause there's too many places I must see
If I stayed here with you, girl
Things just couldn't be the same
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot change
And the bird you cannot change
And the bird you cannot change
Lord knows, I can't change
Bye, bye, it's been a sweet love
Though this feeling I can't change
But please don't take it so badly
'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame
But if I stayed here with you, girl
Things just couldn't be the same
Cause I'm as free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot change
I'm the bird you cannot change
And this bird you cannot change
Lord knows, I can't change
Lord help me, I can't change
Oh, I can't change
Fly free bird
Would you still remember me?
For I must be traveling on, now
'Cause there's too many places I must see
If I stayed here with you, girl
Things just couldn't be the same
'Cause I'm as free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot change
And the bird you cannot change
And the bird you cannot change
Lord knows, I can't change
Bye, bye, it's been a sweet love
Though this feeling I can't change
But please don't take it so badly
'Cause Lord knows I'm to blame
But if I stayed here with you, girl
Things just couldn't be the same
Cause I'm as free as a bird now
And this bird you cannot change
I'm the bird you cannot change
And this bird you cannot change
Lord knows, I can't change
Lord help me, I can't change
Oh, I can't change
Fly free bird
