Bad things happen in 3’s….or in three thousands or something if you’re the Madwoman…but who the fack is counting, right?
I know you all have probably heard me mention that it’s termite swarming season here in Nola. This year I noticed I had way more swarmers than usual. Like way the fuck more. I found out it had something to do with the termites actually nesting in and eating my house all up.
I woke up one morning to thousands of wings everywhere and little areas in the sheetrock where I could shine a flashlight and actually see little buggy eyes looking back at me. Shivers. I quickly sprayed windex on them then covered the holes with duct tape. Upon closer inspection, which demanded that I actually walk into parts of my own house that I rarely enter, I discovered that zillions of termites were eating Dave’s old lumber stacks in the basement. They’re eating the front of my house, the downstairs bathroom and a few other tasty spots too.
The front of the basement is sort of dark and creepy and I honestly never go in there. There’s not much there except old lumber that hoarder Dave was keeping, and some big ass saws. (Remember the saw from DemonicAmputating Flowers?) Yeah…read that if you don’t know what I’m talking about.
Anyway, I went nuts.
I cleaned out the entire garage in about five hours. I flung the windows open and just threw everything out the windows like it was Hurricane Katrina all over again. I was rabid. Extremely pissed. Many of Dave’s lazy workers cut wood and went in and out of our basement for years, and they were asshole stupid slobs. I cursed them every step of the way as I cleaned up the messes of grown men while neglecting my kids. In fact, at one point I got so annoyed I tipped the giant saw from Demonic Amputating Flowers right over. It hurt my wrists when I did it. It was so heavy that when I tried to right it again, I couldn’t even budge it. You know how people get weird adrenaline and can lift cars off of people and stuff? Yeah…I had that weird adrenaline. Believe me, if you get stuck under a big log, you will want me around! I will flick that shit over like it’s a stick or something. When I was done being the Incredible Hulk, I called a trash guy and he carted off FOUR giant, full loads from the garage.
So, I’m no longer a wood hoarder. Or any sort of hoarder. My garage is clean and tidy and it feels more like mine and less like Dave’s, so there’s that.
The termite guy pointed out that some of my eaves and rafters on the roof were rotting. I knew that. I’ve been pretending not to see that shit for years. I have to fix it now because they think the termites are trying to build an aerial nest near the wet, rotten wood. That prompted a call to the roof guy, who quickly told me that whoever installed my roof 12 years ago failed to install a proper drip edge, which is why my gutters are coming loose and my eaves are rotting. He also took pictures up there of where the squirrels have eaten off all the vent covers, and one of the vents is actually leaking into the attic. I didn’t admit to him that I knew that vent was leaking into the attic months ago. I couldn’t fix it with duct tape or a butter knife, which are the main tools in my tool belt, so I threw a thick piece of insulation under it, to absorb the rainwater when it rains. Genius, right? I thought so too. I swear I’m nothing if not a handy bitch.
And last, but not least…..the shitwater is back in the basement. Remember the shitwater? You can read about it here. So I called the plumbers again and they showed up with jackhammers and all of a sudden things got insanely stinky! In fact, not just regular stinky. We are talkin’ big stank. It was more like a homeless person’s ass, actually a dead homeless person’s ass after he had bad diarrhea for 12 years. Try to imagine it. They called me down to deliver the news that my master bath toilet and shower are not even draining into the sewer. All that shit is just pouring under my slab. Because we are shit magnets. We actually magnetize shit. How can I make money off this unique talent?
For the last few months I have conducted an experiment where I did not blog about my strange magnetic abilities. I was under the impression that I was becoming inert. Not so, madpeople!
I am laughing right now because I know the majority of you who do not know me will imagine that I live in a rat hole. I wish I could post a photo of my lovely 90 year old raised bungalow…but alas, some of you might kidnap me and the darlings so I have to practice restraint. I swear it’s lovely.
I know I promised to blog more, like I’m some kind of famous person that people give a shit about, and I haven’t really done it. I should take a moment to say that so many of you have taken the time to write to me lately and check in on me, given that it’s our ‘bad time’ right now. You touch me so deeply, you madpeople you….you really do. Some people even mentioned that they felt weird reaching out and asking me how I was doing, they didn’t want to seem too stalkerish. Trust me when I say that there’s no harm in caring about our fellow humans. I’m so touched that you all care about me and I love and care about you all just the same. Let’s keep caring about one another. We’re all occupying this beautiful earth and the good people make it all worthwhile. Where would we be without good people? In the shitter, that’s where. So keep being the good, madpeople.
I have lots more to say but I try to keep these short on account of all you ADHD folks. For now, keep repelling the shit and I will write more after I finish this delicious lemonade vodka that some of the muthas are forcing me to drink.
How ya like me nah? I WROTE!
