With today’s headlines predictably dominated by my shocking failure to update The Trash Whore Diaries, this comparatively trivial morsel of news may have escaped your attention: ‘Woman, 30, battles for right to die’. Thankfully I am on hand (belatedly, admittedly) to give it the prominence it so richly deserves.
‘A terminally-ill woman began a ground-breaking bid to end her own life yesterday in a legal case which could have implications for hundreds of patients a year’ reports the Press & Journal. ‘Kelly Taylor, 30, who has been given less than a year to live, argues that medics are breaching human rights laws by refusing to provide treatment which will lead to her death. She is attempting to compel doctors to vastly increase her morphine dose to sedate her into a coma-like state.’ Where’s Harold Shipman when you need him, huh? It would appear that this woman has become so accustomed to sponging off the NHS she expects them not only to feed her - by dint of a nasal tube - but also to kill her at her behest. Next thing you know, she’ll be asking them to cover the cost of her funeral as well. Oh, hang on a sec… ‘An initial hearing at the High Court in London yesterday heard Mrs Taylor would also be seeking damages under the Human Rights Act.’ So let’s get this straight; she wants them to kill her and then she wants to sue them for not having killed her sooner? Is it any wonder the NHS is in financial meltdown when there are people like Kelly Taylor burning it for every penny it doesn’t have? If she really wants off of this earth so badly, why doesn’t she go ponder the matter in her car…with the engine running and the garage door shut? I mean, I’m gonna hazard a guess here and say that Kelly Taylor isn’t quite as robust as Bruce Willis. In fact given her terminal illness, I’d imagine she’s about as unbreakable as a Shoji paper screen. So why all the hullabaloo over a task so simple that even a terminally ill patient could perform it? Hell, all she needs to do is pull out her feeding tube and she’ll be dead within a week. But then it’s not about the dying, is it? It’s about a cry for attention, just like it is with all would-be suicidees. Let’s cut to the chase here: Kelly Taylor is dying which, sarcasm aside, is pretty shitty. What’s even shittier though is that the world in general hasn’t paid her the slightest bit of notice. You’d have thought the human race could have had the decency to don sackcloth and ashes or at least observe a minute’s silence to commemorate Karen Taylor’s misfortune at being the first person ever to be stricken by a terminal illness, but no, civilisation appears to have selfishly overlooked her plight. So what does Kelly do? She does what any attention-seeker in her position would do; calls up the media and unleashes a two-pronged assault on the NHS, ordering them to kill her and suing them for not having had the decency to do the job sooner. Why, you may be wondering, does Ms Taylor not take matters into her own hands and end her wretched life? (And I mean wretched in a literal - not a pejorative - sense.) Instead, she seems intent on prolonging her suffering by pursuing her case through the courts. Doesn’t that defeat the whole point of dying quickly to ease the pain incurred by a terminal illness? In fairness to the woman, I guess you could reason that in her weakened state she might be physically incapable of committing suicide, and would require the assistance of a third party - i.e the NHS - but you’d be wrong. The fact of the matter is, Kelly Taylor is so accustomed to sponging off the state, she’s become incapable of doing anything for herself. I mean, why bother going to the effort of stockpiling a fatal supply of medication when you can get the NHS to do the job for you and railroad the media into drumming up a few murmurs of sympathy into the bargain?
A few weeks ago, I penned a blog in which I pondered why we, as a society, are loath to speak ill of the dead. Well it would appear that the deceased are not the only ones to be undeservingly feted and sainted, for so are the dying. It’s the only reason I can think to account for why no one has had the sense to tell Kelly Taylor to quit whining and die quietly like every other terminal NHS patient. I’m not mocking her affliction but I am mocking her propensity for afflicting the rest of us with her maladies and malaise. As someone once said, the best things in life are free, and when you happen to be afflicted by a terminal illness, death is the best you can get. For zero pounds and zero pence (or the price of a Bic razor at the very most) an untimely demise can be yours. So why all the fucking about with lawyers and courts and doctors to obtain permission to commit suicide? Did Kurt Cobain seek permission from his fans before he/his wife (delete according to which theory you ascribe to) pulled the trigger? Did Sylvia Plath seek permission from the gas board before sticking her head in the oven? No. So why should Kelly Taylor - no matter how heart-rending her plight may be - involve the media - and by proxy you and I - in a matter that is no one’s god-damn business except hers? Life might be sacred, but death, it would seem, is profane.
I was sitting in the bandstand above the St Nicholas Centre - the very same bandstand that never resonates to anything more musical than the squawking of pigeons - eating my lunch when I got thinking. The thing I found myself thinking about the most was my lunch, probably because it was staring me right in the face. When I had finished ruminating and masticating my sandwich, I turned my attention to dessert, a baked snack that purported to be a ‘Delicious Handmade Chocolate Brownie’. I took a bite of it and discovered, much to my delight, that it was indeed delicious. But handmade? I couldn’t really say. It was around this time that my culinary thinking mechanism went into overdrive, and I found myself pondering the following conundrum: Why are handmade goods automatically assumed to be superior to their machine made equivalent? Weren’t machines given these jobs in the first place because they are better than humans? More efficient, more reliable and less likely to leave blood, hairs and semen in the food. Why would I want some minimum wage stranger’s chicken-choking hands interfering with my brownie mix? Give me a sterile electric whisk every time. Some things just shouldn’t be made by hand. Like chocolate brownies. And condoms too. I don’t want some Philippino sweatshop worker getting two cents an hour to finger a condom that’s destined for my dick. Not unless I’m personally paying her the two cents an hour, in which case she can finger my sheath until I render it unsanitary. I'm not so keen on homemade goods, but ho made does it for me every time.
In case you weren’t aware, I happen to be a dad. And not just any old dad, but a proud dad. I’m proud because I played my part in creating another human being, and that sets me apart from all the other dads out there. Sure, I know their errant sperms also fertilised eggs, but not in the way mine did. Mine was different because it - she - isn’t like all the rest. She’s special. And in proudly believing that my child is superior to all others, I must surely be unique. Of course, raising a hyperactive, destructive, rampaging toddler - even one as adorable as mine - brings with it its own problems; no sleep and not enough sex, screaming tantrums (not least from girlfriends peeved at the paucity of sleep and sex) and of course dirty nappies. But I’m not here to whine about the trials and tribulations of being a father. After all, I have it on good authority that my parents went through exactly the same rigmarole with me. Admittedly, I don’t recall any of my supposed brattishness, but I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt, and say for the sake of argument that they did change my nappies and mollify my tantrums. In selflessly doing the same for my own progeny, that doesn’t make me dad of the year.
It’s a fact of life that shit happens, but when you’ve got a baby, shit³ happens. Several times a day. Thankfully it’s not all bad however; in fact to my surprise, it’s mostly all good. Remember Listitis, the weekly themed list I began in The Trash Whore Diaries while in prison? Well today it’s back, featuring a compendium of my top reasons for having a baby...

1. You get to use the Parent & Child parking spaces at supermarkets. OK, so you can use them anyway as customers are not obliged to undergo biological testing to certify their paternity, but now that I’m a bona fide dad with brat in tow, I can use Parent & Child parking without getting glared at by irate mothers. They should really be thanking me for forcing them to park further away, thereby walking off some of their excess baby fat, but for some reasons the stroppy bitches don’t see it like that. And frankly, I’ve no desire to incur their wrath. They’d most likely reverse over me several times and then escape a murder rap by citing post-natal depression.

2. You’ve always got a packet of baby wipes on standby. For cleaning cum off your dick; for cleaning cum off your girlfriend’s tits; for cleaning cum of her sister’s ass before the family dog wakes up and tries to lick it off. The possible uses for baby wipes are endless. Oh, and supposedly they’re pretty good for cleaning babies’ pooey bottoms with too. Who’d have thunk it?

3. You get chatted up by MILFs in coffee shops. Picture the scene: you walk into Books & Beans with the bairn in tow and locate the table with the high chair, only to discover that a yummy mummy has beaten you to it. You’re just turning to go when she calls out; ‘Here, we can share the table if you like.’ The next thing you know, she’s whipped out a portable baby seat, made from an apron tied around a chair, and the four of you have begun bonding over baby food. One minute you’re asking how old her kid is; the next you’ve ascertained that she’s eating alone because her man’s always working abroad, leaving her with kids to raise and itches to be scratched. As an icebreaker, babies are truly indispensable; after being flashed a cutesy smile and high-pitched ‘Hiya!’ from my butter-wouldn't-melt bairn, even the frostiest of MILFs can’t help but crack a smile and thus acknowledge the fuckable father pushing the pram. They don’t say it but I know what they’re thinking; ‘If I play my cards right, his perfect DNA could be making me a beautiful baby just like that.’ And they don’t know it but I’m thinking almost exactly the same thing…only in my fantasy, the sperm doesn’t end up in their uterus. It sure as hell ends up everywhere else though.

4. Chicks on the bus flash you knowing smiles. As I explained in January 3rd’s blog, ‘After somehow completing the Byzantine task of lifting pram, pram cover, shoulder bag and baby on and off the bus, I realised that I had developed a newfound appreciation for Heather Mills. It’s hard enough holding a baby and buggy, but to do so while hopping onto a bus with a prosthetic limb tucked under one arm? I couldn’t do it if you paid me. Although if you paid me £20million then, like Heather, I suppose I could give it a shot.’ What I didn’t explain was that there is one small advantage to lifting your baby onto a bus, plonking her down in the aisle and then returning to stow the buggy and pay the driver: by the time you’ve climbed the stairs onto the gangway, the bairn has trotted off towards the back of the bus in that cute, wide-eyed loping way that only babies can. (Or that only my baby can anyway.) In the process, the tot has attracted doting smiles from all onboard - old ladies, skater boys and hot chicks. Upon catching sight of me - the lone parent - struggling manfully onto the bus, their looks turn from adoring to sympathetic; 'Look at that poor boy - a single father, reduced to bringing up that cute wee bairn on his own. How could the mother walk out on them like that?' I can’t bring myself to tell them that mumsy is at home sleeping any more than I can bring myself to tell mumsy that all the women on the bus - old ladies included - want to mother my baby and smother my baby face between their heaving bosoms.

5. You get second helpings of everything. Every meal your baby can’t finish - porridge, pasta and mum’s milky paps - is yours to dispose of as you see fit. And we’re not talking leftover soggy seconds here - we’re talking the finest organic food that looks even finer than the luxury cat food that used to make my mouth water so much when I watched the Sheeba ads while in jail.

And that’s about all the reasons I can think of for having a baby, but what reasons! Free Parent & Child Parking, limitless baby wipes, second helpings of dinner and admiring glances from MILFs? It almost makes the ensuing 18 years of penury and teenage tantrums worthwhile. I’m not saying you should go out there and start trying to make babies on the strength of the above incentives, but it’s comforting to know that should you ever find yourself getting fast and furious without a connie, having vowed to pull out at the last moment, but it feels so warm and wet you just can’t bring yourself to disengage, well, it’s not all bad. Parenting isn’t a chore - it’s an investment. Get it right and they’ll pay to put you in a nice nursing home in 40 years time. Get it wrong and they’ll kill you for your inheritance.
I never used to be able to understand how couples could stay together in a loveless relationship, co-habiting long after the co-joining of bodies had stopped, but then I moved in with a girl of my own and discovered the bitter truth. The fact of the matter is that people stay together long after the love has left the building because it’s easier that way. Sure, one of them could move out and move on, but that would involve disentangling joint mortgages, finding new lodgings and fighting a bitter custodial battle over the family dog. It’s far simpler to stay together by default until eventually the irreconcilable differences - i.e. the husband’s penchant for wearing adult diapers and holding S&M orgies in the basement - force them apart. Living together without the love might not be ideal, but the other alternative - separation - is a logistical nitemare. I dread the day when push comes to shove and my girlfriend boots me out of the house for good, leaving me shivering on the front step with only the embers from my smouldering possessions to keep me warm. (That’s why I don’t keep lighter fluid in the house; hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Especially a scorned woman who’s high on lighter fluid.) I might not have a mortgage and sprawling CD collection to split, but I do have a bairn to share, not to mention a cumbersome 42" plasma to move, which I vowed never to dismantle and reassemble again. Thankfully, my relationship has yet to reach the point of having to worry about the intricacies of disengagement. I’ve not even got to the loveless stage yet, let alone the irreconcilable differences part. Although I can’t therefore claim to share the aforementioned husband’s penchant for wearing adult diapers and holding S&M orgies in the basement, I can sympathise with his predicament. After all, his wife can’t exactly be normal either; if she hadn’t turned into such a frigid bitch, he wouldn’t have been driven to seek fulfilment in less salubrious ways. Until her mood-swings and his swinging got too much however, an uneasy truce prevailed. Sure, he might have hated the cow, but for all of the five minutes a day he saw her for, it was easier to maintain the status quo. A few moments of awkward smalltalk over breakfast is a small price to pay for avoiding a costly divorce.
As it stands, I see about as much of my girlfriend as I do the postman. (Although she sees a lot more of him. In fact she sees all of him.) I don’t particularly care for the postie - not cos he’s fucking my girlfriend but because he’s a fucking postie - but so long as he keeps delivering my mail, I can abide with him. Likewise my girlfriend; sure, she bugs the hell out of me sometimes, but the friction is kept to a minimum because we hardly ever see each other. And we do manage to grab some quality time together, we’re usually more interested in generating friction of the mutually pleasurable sort. Ours isn’t a loveless relationship - at least I don’t think it is - but we see so little of each other it’s hard to tell. (For example, as I am writing this blog, the clock on the computer indicates that it is 12:21pm. I’ve been up for five hours, but have yet to set eyes on my girlfriend, who is still sleeping. By the time she arises, I will have left to go into town and by the time I get home, she will be leaving to go to work.) Although living separate lives under the same roof is not ideal, on the plus side, it means we treasure the snatched moments we do get together. Late at nite, when the bairn is asleep, the day’s work is done and Desperate Housewives isn’t showing, we are able to curl up on the sofa, hold hands and just talk. And it is at these times that I am reminded precisely why I love my girlfriend: because of her blondisms.
My girlfriend isn’t blonde, but that’s not to say she can’t act like one at times. I’m lucky because I get the best of both worlds - a pretty brunette with all the dizziness of a bleach blonde, but without the visible roots and the cupboard full of peroxide. (Peroxide wouldn’t normally bother me, but while electronically tagged I’m anxious not to leave myself open to prosecution, not least for stockpiling materials that may assist in the commission of an act of terrorism.) Like all true - and fake - blondes, my girlfriend is prone to spouting fatuities from time to time. (Example: ‘Why is Boxing Day called Boxing Day - is it because after Christmas everyone gets rid of their cardboard boxes?’) Her most heinous crime however is to fail to get my jokes. Ask women what they look for in an ideal man and they’ll say ‘Someone who makes me laugh.’ Well guess what - my girlfriend got such a man and yet what do I get in return? Nada. Not so much as a snigger or a nod to acknowledge my comedic efforts. Much as I would like to make out that it’s because my jokes are so high-brow, the fact of the matter is they are puerile and predictable. Yet even corny counters deserve some recognition surely? ‘There’s a new film out called Déjà Vu’ remarked my girlfriend the other day. ‘I’m sure I’ve seen that one before somewhere’ I replied. My girlfriend stared at me blankly. Another time, she informed me that the toilet was leaking. ‘I just went in and found this puddle of water all over the bathroom floor’ she complained. ‘I bet that came as a shock to the cistern’ I interjected. Once again, my half-assed joke failed to elicit the half-assed laugh it so richly deserved. And that’s why I’m re-telling this anecdote - I need you to laugh to make me feel special. This weblog is an outlet for all my brilliant - and not so brilliant - one-liners that go unnoticed in real life. My girlfriend doesn’t laugh at anything I say; my daughter laughs at everything cos she’s too young to know any better, but you - I like it when you laugh, because it is discerning laughter, measured to fit the quality of the joke that precipitated it. My girlfriend, to give her credit though, does have her own occasional moments of wit, even if it is left to me to apply the finishing touches. ‘Before I started going out with you, I used to think you’d have a really small penis that wouldn’t touch the sides’ she once confessed. ‘Thankfully I was proved wrong.’ ‘Yeah, I know - it turns out that I’ve got an enormous penis’ I replied modestly ‘…and yet it still doesn’t touch the sides.’
Although my updates have been about as frequent as my underwear changes lately, rest assured my interest in The Trash Whore Diaries is not waning. (Dirty underwear, on the other hand, has never interested me, unless it is of the Japanese schoolgirl variety and I am inhaling its heavenly aroma.) Frankly, life has been a bit hectic lately, what with my endeavours to obtain a proper job, be a proper dad and commit improper acts with my girlfriend. By the time the day’s job hunting is over, the bairn is sleeping, the missus sated and South Park finished, I’m too shattered to produce anything more creative than a Walnut Whip-esque spirally shit. And satisfying as it is to stand up and admire one's own handiwork, it’s not the sort of thing you can publish in your weblog. After all, for all its scatological references, the TWD is not Ratemypoo.com. So until tomorrow or the day after tomorrow provides me with enough respite to squeeze out a proper blog, I will leave you with these small crumbs from my over laden table of literary sumptuousness - the weirdest weekly search terms that have led the world’s freaks to my weblog.

‘Having caned her he put his cock into her vagina and fucked hard’
I should think so! After caning the bitch, administering anything less than a hard fucking would be a complete anticlimax. Canings followed by tender lovemaking just don’t work, and believe me, I’ve tried.

‘filling her white ovulating pussy with potent black cum’
I hate to break it to you, but it doesn’t matter how black you are, your cum will always be as white as the palms of your hands. Especially if you’ve been palming off into them.

‘whore charges for pissing in her mouth’
Tight bitch. (And by tight I mean stingy, not vaginally tight.) She ought to be paying me for the privilege of being coated in my amber nectar.

'how do i stand to poop in my nappy diaper'
Who typed this - a two year-old? Well if they can work the internet, I’m pretty sure standing to shit shouldn’t be much of a problem to master.

‘i want a baby but i've still not fallen pregnant’
Well you’ve come to the right place darling. Send me £9.95 in a SAE and in return I shall mail you 10cc of the manliest, most potent cum every to further the human race. 100% conception guaranteed, or I'll refund my money shot.

‘how do you deal with a crack whores past’
What past - the fact that there was once a time when she wasn’t a crack whore? You don’t. All you can do is load up another pipe, light it for her and then tell the bitch to start sucking on you dick to pay for the next one.

‘nite vision hidden blowjobs’
If you were to ogle a blowjob through nite vision goggles, would the cumshot look green? Mind you, my cum looks green anyway, although I believe the medical term for it is a penile discharge.

‘smearing faeces in toddlers’
Shouldn‘t that be the other way round? I mean, everyone smears toddlers in faeces from time to time, but smearing faeces in toddlers? What kind of a sicko would do something like that?

‘white trash sluts who fuck on there period’
I wouldn’t have said there was anything particularly remarkable about this search term were it not for the fact that the next person who accessed my blog did so by searching for ‘cleaning and hygiene’. Proof that there really is something for everything in The Trash Whore Diaries.